Ex boyfriends are such douchebaggs. Like honestly. I dont understand how i can try so hard and want to look so good, just to prove someone wrong. And someone who is trashy and classless and dosent even deserve my time but someone who i feel i just need to prove wrong. I dont think he gets how hard ive worked my ass off to be ‘skinny’ and how hard his words hurt me and brought me down. I dont just forget about these things, ya know? But thats just it. I dont think he DOES know. Wow. So today to make things even better he tells me hes moving to his dads and we’ll probably never see each other again. And at the end of us txting back and forth he says ‘fat kids never win.’ Really? How am i supposed to take that? Is he meaning i’ll never get his attention or i’ll never be good enough for him? Is he talking about the fight between me and his ex girlfriend? Ugh, thats so frusteratingg. And i asked and hes not replying to me at all. So shit happens i guess. People dont understand that words really do mean something. But im done. Hes moving, ive moved on. He’ll be out of my life and im happy as i am now. I have the most amazing fiance now and thats how things will stay <3
I guess doors close for a reason,
and others open to help you move on.
Going shopping with my mommy and my baby. And thats goood cuz i need it. Ah, and a drinkkk.
It sucks getting so screwed over by guys. I hate that ive been so mistreated in the past that now once i get something good i question every little thing. How can i be jealous, when i hangout with guys myself? Its like pointing fingers, when i know my own hands arent clean. And its the sadest thing when we talk and he ends up crying because of my jealousy and hes thinking its a way of shoving his love for me back in his face when hes never done one single thing to make me hurt, or mistreat me. I just dont know, i wish it wasnt this way. I wish i didnt care. And im surprized because im ususally so emotionally strong and i know just what to say when my girlfriends come to me with their weaknesses but when its my turn i havent the slightest clue how to act.
I know he loves me.
He shows me every day.
Ive got to stop acting this way</3
Instead going shopping with my mommy(: Im glad shes my best fran. Shes going to San Diego this weekend and who better to be her shopping buddy than her own daughter? Hahha. I really dont feel that good though. I have this HORRIBLE pain in my side and its been there since yesterday. Gaaay. But whatever.
At least i’ll get to txt my boyy all day long and not have to worry about hiding from dumb teachers. Or maybe he’ll be too interesed in Rachels dumb sex stories he wont reply. I hate whores. Honestly. My boyfriend dosent care about you, and your freaking ugly. Just for the record.(:
Welllll thats about it for now. Gonna listen to music and parttay
till we leave.
So today was Mats football banquet and at first i was like theres no way i can sit here for four hours but it turned out not to be so bad(: So when we were done we went back to his house and as my dad was picking me up he was like “Did you and Mat fallout?” And i was like HEAVENS NO! ahahaha cuz he didnt walk me out to the car or something ahaha. But thats cuz he offered and i was like noo its fine cuz he was extremely tired. But i got to thinking.. How does someone fall out of love? How can you know that your extremely head over heels with someone and then one day wakeup and be like ya know, i dont really love//like them anymore. That really bothers me. And the same thing with getting bored of someone. At one point in time you thought they were the most incredible person in the world and you would of given anything to be with them at any given time, so i think if you were at that point once you could easily get to that point again despite the circumstances. But who knows, maybe its just me. My next deep thought; “What it fully means to be engaged…”
Eating strawberry yogurt and a green apple.
Goinggg to bed. <3
I think that theres always someone youll remember. Like fifty years from now ill still look back and think about that one person who i could just never satisfy. And im not even sure why i even care or why im still worring about it. Its just like hes there and no matter how much makeup you put on, how skinny you get, how pretty your delicate dress is or how many guys long for your attention he just dosent seem to notice. Or maybe its the fact that for so long everyone always said i had style and then he goes for her whose COMPLETELY opposite of me and it just doesent make sence. Its kinda like i never really mattered to him in the first place, which kind of sucks, because you cant say i love you to someone and then a month later hate them and not say a word to them. Honestly how heartless are guys made these days? I guess im just trying so hard and shes a carbon copy of everything im not. I guess im dissapppointed, and not impressed at all.
Let me be the first to wish you the worst, becacuse i think you deserve each other.
Im glad im happy now and i wish i could forget about my past.
Hopefully going over to my boyfriends for homework help (: Its a gooood thing hes smart. Ahahaha.
Have a great rest of the day<3
Im up today bright and early to get an early start on things. I woke up to rain pounding on my window, but its fading now. Im pretty much done cleaning my room i just need to vaccumm and do laundry so im really excited about that. Mat comes home in 2 days, and theyre just creeping by. I misshh him <33 I already made breakfast so im happy to have some kind of food in my system to get me through the day.
Hope everyone has a beautiful day (:
I promise to love you forever—every single day of forever.
I really wish you knew how much i love you and I wish i could tell you. I think more than anything, Im scared. Im scared because i dont know what tomorrow brings nor do i know if i’ll truly end up with you when im old and gray. Theres nothing more that i could ever want. Living my entrie life with you and having Jessica and Ryan would make me the happiest i could ever be and i could die knowing that i lived my life JUST THE WAY I wanted to. And i know you say you love me, and im sure you really do but in the back of my mind the words “Nothing is ever carved in stone” replays over and over again. And im scared because i trust you. I trust you more than i would some of my own family and i tell you so much and i put so much into you that if you ever left i’d be devistated. And i think im this scared because ive put my heart and soul into some friendships and even past relationships only to get hurt in the end and i never know if that is what will happen with us. I could NEVER trust anyone like i trust you nor could i explain my stories and life and have someone understand the way you do. And ya know, maybe you dont understand, maybe your confused out of your mind but everytime you always say just the right things and you do the most perfect actions at the right time and thats what leads me to believe you understand. And maybe im just a hopeless romantic and who knows you could leave me for always being afraid but i guess ill never know. Life is full of a bunch of ‘never knows’ and i guess thats what makes life life. And tonight you said you would sacrifice your happiness for my love, and honestly thats the sweetest thing someone could ever say but honestly all i want is for you to be happy. And i want you to be with me as long as i make you happy and i want to be your best friend, girlfriend, and wife. And i want to do everything together and i want the best for you but with the best comes happiness and if im not your happiness then you need to leave and find it. And i really hope this never has to happen and you say your happy now and thats great! Im extremely happy that your happy and i hope things stay that way forever. I think im just rambling now.
What i really mean to say is; I love you Mat. And honestly your all i know. I have no best friends because your it. And im not ashamed to say that or even admit but if you ever left i wouldnt know what to do. Im engaged to you now until we get married. And then youll be my entire life.
I guess i need you baby <33
I love you.